19 Years

Today marks 19 years since my mother died.

Sometimes it seems like it's been that long, but mostly I can't believe it has.

I miss her more now than I ever did as a child.  I'm not quite sure why, but I think part of is has to do with living with my in laws.  I grew up with my aunt, which was wonderful, don't get me wrong, but I wasn't really around that mother type relationship.  After seeing the way my mother in law treats her boys has made me see what that type of relationship is like.  I am so thankful that my JD has that with his mom, but I cannot lie, it makes me miss my own mother very, very much.

Also, it seems like as I've gotten older I need her more than ever before.  I wish I had her to commiserate with and give me those motherly hugs and support that no one else can give.  I wish I had her advice on pretty much every single aspect of my life.

I wish so much that I knew what that relationship is like.  I think, for the first time in my life, I'm mourning the loss of that bond.  Of course, I missed her very much growing up, but I never gave as much thought to her absence as I do now.  Perhaps it's because I'm of child bearing age myself (no kids for me though, ever) or something along those lines, but I really, really wish I had her in my life.

I feel robbed that I don't know that relationship.  That I don't have her to hug and lean on and treasure.  That we missed out on so much of one another's lives.  I know that I would be a much different person if she were here - probably a more balanced and soft person, less guarded and more tender, but I also know that the relationship I grieve for now would most likely not be the one I dream of.  There would be our fair share of resentment and tension as all mother/daughter relationships have, but still, I miss that and I'm so angry that I don't have the chance to have that too.  The good and the bad, all of it.

I miss her and I need her.  Nineteen years she's been gone... Nineteen years...  I can hardly believe it.